It’s useful to be able to translate known words and phrases without having to memorize something new, but a few are always tricky. That can lead to some rather amusing misunderstandings, and I frequently detect bad translations when I look at subtitles on TV.
I talked a lot as a child, and the fact that I stopped doing it is the main reason I am not an aspie. The psychologist at the hospital that tested me admitted that I had many of the Asberger traits, but as I didn’t talk to “God and every man” about my special interests I could not have Asberger syndrom. I call that checklist diagnosing, but I didn’t argue with him. I think it’s a shame because having the unofficial and much less recognized diagnose NLD isn’t always a lot of help. I don’t collect diagnoses, so it doesn’t really bother me, but it leaves me somewhere in between. I am officially Asberger’s unknown cousin NLD, but unofficially I feel that the relationship is closer.
But I digress. My point was the expression “talk like a waterfall.” I am not sure that works in English, but that’s one of the Norwegian expression for a very talkative person. It gives me all sorts of associations, some rather disagreeable, so I assume it wouldn’t be correct English. Now I finally arrive at my point. I’m a writer, not a talker these days. Perhaps I write like a waterfall? The words are flowing with a lot of force and they leave you …eh wet, cold and uncomfortable? Hm… That’s not exactly the image I was looking for. What about electrified? Maybe too bold.
I love writing, which is why I continue writing posts that no one reads. This blog is sort of the family holiday photos that you think your friends will be interested in, but why would they when they could never feel the way you did when you experienced it? Writing is still fun. Something strange happens when I write. I think when I write and that’s how I develop ideas. Just sitting down to think is less effective. It’s not a strategy I recomend because it was a bloody nuisance (another expressions with interesting images) in college. Professors wanted me to write a disposition (thesis outline) before I started writing the paper, but I sort of developed that along the way. That’s a much more interesting way of working, but not exactly less time consuming, and that is the problem in any job. You don’t have much time.
There were lots of things I didn’t know or understand about me. I didn’t have the disposition I needed to write accurately from the beginning. That came later, but I should have been better at deciding what was appropriate to publish. Writing is good, but there are things you shouldn’t publish. Many people don’t know anything about depression and anxiety for example. We have a word in Norwegian that doesn’t sound that bad, but it is more serious when it’s translated into English. Vemod is often translated with mournful or sadness, and it can be that too, but I like nostalgia better. It’s a feeling you get when thinking back on a good memory and you know it will never come back. That’s sad, but not I have no reason to live-kind of sad.
So when I expressed this kind of sadness and tried to uncover things I knew influenced my thoughts, some people assumed I was depressed. They revealed a further lack of understanding when they assumed that a sad man couldn’t be a good father. There are sufficient studies to prove that mentally ill parents don’t transfer these symptoms to their children. Instability is bad for children. They want the same stable life their friends have, and it doesn’t matter what causes the instability. Healthy parents that argue all the time are more likely to do harm. This is important to remember as half the population in my country get a mental disorder one time during their lives.
The thoughts and memories I tried to untangle were invisible to me, and I think of them as dark matter. Not beause they are especially dark in nature, but because there are invisible or unknown things that can explain thoughts and behaviour. Most of the universe is made up of dark matter. It can’t be seen, but scientists know there is something there because it influences the parts of the universe they can observe. So when someone gets sad or angry, and you don’t understand what caused it, there could be something you are not seeing. Many people have dark matter, which means it doesn’t last long enough to qualify as depression, but it could still explain a lot of things.
Writing has been good therapy, but it has been and is my voice as well. I have many excellent conversations planned inside my head, but I can never get them out. I am not eloquent. I am not one of the very few with the genius gene. I don’t impress or interest most people, and there usually isn’t enough time as I am not a very fast talker. I think a lot and while I am busy thinking the conversation moves on.
I have a tendency to think about something that amuses me. I am constantly reminded of lines from Sherlock Holmes, Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings. I also think about contradictions like the fact that vegetarians can’t wear wool or take most vitamins/medicine because they are made with animal gelatin. Not that I am enjoying their predicament, but if you intend to prevent all living beings from suffering, you are going to have a very restricted life. I am not sure it’s possible. I have have learned not to point that out, however.
Many people have a contradictory behaviour and maybe quiet people have one too. I bet that if you could tap into most quiet people’s thoughts there wouldn’t be silence at all. There’s been a lot of focus on introverts in recent years, especially after Susan Cain published her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. Quiet doesn’t mean quiet. It is true that I am content when I am alone, but it wasn’t always like that. There was a time when I wished I could be like other people, but they tend to be annoying. I have a feeling that friendship doesn’t mean quite the same to me as it does to other people. I am content being in the same room, but less concerned about an emotional connection. Emotions in general is a rather tricky business.
I wrote about why I write on my Norwegian blog several years ago. I believe that was one of my first posts, but I am not sure I did an English version. I was reminded of this when I read Anonymously Autistic’s I want to encourage everyone to write. She has some interesting hashtags, like #SheCan’tBeAutistic. That’s sort of like “but she looks so normal”, which is common theme with invisible diagnoses. How could I possibly have any challenges when I look like I am suposed to? And people wonder why I don’t find them fascinating!
I had better stop before I digress again because I feel a need to do that when I read Anna’s profile, who is not Anna, but calls herself Anonymously Autistic. She’s in the autistic closet. How is this closet? I hope it’s a walk in closet because it sounds awfully uncomfortable to stay inside a small, dark space from IKEA. That’s those silly ideas I get when I talk to people. Sidetracks tend to be the main track in my mind. What can I say? I am not a one track kind of mind. My road map is busy.